screw you!

What a pretentious, self-absorbed, narcissistic son of a bitch!

the Problem with Me

The problem with me is I don’t have a destination that I have a concrete, thought out plan that I can confidently follow. It is a terrible thing when you replace your question beginning with “when” with “if”. When will you get the job you like? If you can ever get the job you like? When will you be successful? If you can ever be successful? I always want to cheer myself up but there are so many things suggesting I may not be able to make it after all. My destination, my dream is not getting closer everyday. I hate to doubt myself but it’s hard not to do so. In other words, I am losing hope. And apparently hope is the thing I live on in this moment as a student, without a career, money, or anything.

Or am I just being a pussy? Or just not aggressive enough?

My summer plan – draft

God surely acts in a mysterious way. It seems that the more I crave entering the banking industry, the farther it is moving away from me. As my summer internship didn’t work out, it forces me to really act bold, try something new, and move out of my comfort zone.

Top priority – I need to buy the ticket for my backpacking journey. Venturing alone in a foreign country is the most exciting thing I can think of. With backpacking your future is full of unknowns. God I really love that feelings. I love it when you wake up you know you are going to have a special day. Actually I would rather think travel has been my greatest education so far. Anyway, travel is really my thing and this time, I will go to either Europe or Australia.

And then I guess I will have to set a deadline for my club. I have been thinking of a student open dialogue project since coming back from St Gallen. My college has done a remarkable job of wasting a large portion of my time studying shit and satisfying the bureaucracy. Nothing much has been learned there. But I guess I should bear some responsibilities because it was up to me to join the dual degree program. I need to study both business and engineering at the same time for four years, and not before the end of my freshman year I found out I made a mistake. I am really not one of those engineering type, as I can see from what I read immediately after my final exams. Yes, I borrowed books after my final like I hadn’t studied enough. Economics, policy analysis, finance, hedge fund, Immanuel Kant, Ayn Rand, etc.. I know I should have studied Economics, Political Science, Law, stuff like that. But hey, I am the product of what made what I am today and in high school, I thought this was the best for me. Besides, in Asia, especially in my city, choices are rather limited. So whose fault is it?

Anyway back to my club, I suppose it should function as a middleman to organize dialogue between business leaders and students. For example, I joined a work session discussing leverage buyout led by a past Mckinsey analyst. The host himself didn’t talk too much. The job was ours. We input all the ideas and he made the summary and corrections. Honestly that was an hour that I have learned the most in my life! And it also brought perspectives and speaking experience to me to this field of business. I surely hope I can make this happen in my own college and so the first I will do is to write a proposal and send it to my program director.

Third, that would be some learnings on my own. As you can see, my English sucks. To make thing worse, I have decided to restart my German. My plan is to go through the grammar once and immediately start reading real text. Being less academic and more pragmatic should save my ass this time.

And of course, party! There is one with couchsurfing gathering on 12th. I am in. Hope I can have fun this time!